for fifteen years i struggled with myself, to be better, to not hate the words i have written when i read them and to not condemn myself for being all i can be. i always believed that if i could somehow be better than myself i would be very happy. i marvel and envy those people who had lovely voices on ink and paper. some deep, serious and deeply moving; others light and compelling but no less in ingenuity than the former.
i have longed to be like them the poets and novelists, to have literature in the palm of my hand like a fairy that wields her magic wand!
but i am only me and what i am not i cannot be. i am one of those who believes these gifted People (writers) were born and not made, and to discover myself a mediocrity of the craft, i can only lie awake at night wishing i could be more.
reading this you may realize i am a lost and confused voice. without origin nor destination i am like an awful song you cannot decide whether classical, jazz or country music. i only have this bits and pieces of words, phrases and sentences that can only be appreciated on their own and not as a part of something more.
so will i continue to try too hard to be something i'm not in the hopes that someday i might finally echo those voices i have always extolled? maybe i will always do so even if i live in a lie, because to mirror those wonderful voices i have had to guard my heart and sentiments to not reveal my human tendencies and instead speak silently on behalf of a person who is supposed to be me, yet one i don't really know at all.
but then maybe i cannot find my own voice because i am not being completely honest with myself, afraid to say my piece with simple honesty, and be vulnerable, and then face its consequences. is it also possible that with a little faith as well as courage i will find what i'm looking for? for cowards like me, we may never know.
There's A Little BIT here fOR EVERYONE.
I'm not here to whine - maybe sometimes, a little bit - I'm just here to share my little mishaps, tragic mistakes and my colorful comebacks..just enough to give you a peek of The Life and Crises of A Young Twenty Something mom, student, daughter and dreamer.
Monday, May 11, 2009
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I call myself a writer but you can write way better than I can, it's all about style perhaps, I've always wanted to be able to write the way you do but I can't so instead I write in the way I can, this is really nice..no bullshit. and oh, about the survey on the sidebar..I'm torn between ncis and CSI but i might choose csi because of the various franchise, and the wider scope of story. (not that it's related to this post) hehehe
ReplyDeleteI always tell my friend not to be afraid to do what they want to do, to believe on their dreams no matter how petty it may seem to other people...
ReplyDeleteDrop the hesitations.
Diminish the doubts.
Conquer your fears.
Don't be afraid. :)
Hi..heloO pOh, pwe bumati???
ReplyDelete"Hi sa nanay at tatay ko diyan sa amin
at sa mga kapitbahay ko, kumusta na kayo!?
Mabuhay tayong lahat!! : )
Yun lng..Salamat ng marami.."NAPADAAN"