CRIES OF A SHY HEART

for fifteen years i struggled with myself, to be better, to not hate the words i have written when i read them and to not condemn myself for being all i can be. i always believed that if i could somehow be better than myself i would be very happy. i marvel and envy those people who had lovely voices on ink and paper. some deep, serious and deeply moving; others light and compelling but no less in ingenuity than the former.

i have longed to be like them the poets and novelists, to have literature in the palm of my hand like a fairy that wields her magic wand!
but i am only me and what i am not i cannot be. i am one of those who believes these gifted People (writers) were born and not made, and to discover myself a mediocrity of the craft, i can only lie awake at night wishing i could be more.
reading this you may realize i am a lost and confused voice. without origin nor destination i am like an awful song you cannot decide whether classical, jazz or country music. i only have this bits and pieces of words, phrases and sentences that can only be appreciated on their own and not as a part of something more.

so will i continue to try too hard to be something i'm not in the hopes that someday i might finally echo those voices i have always extolled? maybe i will always do so even if i live in a lie, because to mirror those wonderful voices i have had to guard my heart and sentiments to not reveal my human tendencies and instead speak silently on behalf of a person who is supposed to be me, yet one i don't really know at all.

but then maybe i cannot find my own voice because i am not being completely honest with myself, afraid to say my piece with simple honesty, and be vulnerable, and then face its consequences. is it also possible that with a little faith as well as courage i will find what i'm looking for? for cowards like me, we may never know.

The Expecting MOMMY: A Little Help With the Basics

Hey everyone, this is my TRIBUTE POST to all the new mommies-to-be in observance to Mother's Day this coming weekend (May 10th).


Bieng a mommy is not all glowing radiance, believe me. It also encompasses having to deal with body image, especially for YOUNG moms who have always had that petite figure and then suddenly your bulging here and there or that defining curve gets a bit obscured week after week.

Weight GAIN: if you started out with your normal weight (ideal weight according to height and age) you should gain 25-35lbs over the nine months of pregnancy.
But to have a sound estimation use the tool found here:
http://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy-weight-gain-estimator

Skin Changes: the most alarming here is the possibility of STRETCH marks. Where stretch marks are concerned, it is more of PREVENTION rather than Cure because once their there they won't go away. After every shower or half bath always apply lotion to your belly, some on your boobs and buttocks if you like. What worked for me though (and I really proved it works) is LANDER COCOA BUTTER.
Another is breakouts. It's normal if you suddenly have pimples it's a hormonal thing and it will go away after giving birth and your hormones are steady. Just wash your face daily and when scratched put some topical antibiotics. I used bacitracin ointment and Cetaphil facial wash because they are so gentle so they don't stimulate oil production.

Diet: One should not try to eat less food or overindulge just because you think you should gain weight. WATCH OUT for sweets and rice, instead eat GRAINS or wheat. The key to this is eating small meals (enough that you're not hungry anymore) every four hours. If you still feel like eating munch on water based fruits (NOT Mangoes because they are high on sugar) like WATERmelons. or CHew a sugar FRee GUm to get rid of the urge to eat something.

Exercise: It is a MUST to do activities like walking or keeping busy at home. It makes the labor much easier and keeps your blood circulating so your baby gets more nutrients from you. Avoid being sedentary like lying all day in bed or just sitting on the couch.

Development: IT IS TRUE what they say about reading to your unborn child! So read to it, any kind of book or even a magazine. ALSO, I've proven that it's also true that CLASSICAL music does wonders to your child's brain development - while in the womb and after birth.

After Pregnancy: You may feel like your tummy is gelly-like, I suggest wearing a soft comfortable binder constantly to help the muscles from sagging and to facilitate hold it in place while it works it's way to being firm again. Also do a few exercises in strengthening those muscles. Also wear a nursing bra all the time to prevent breasts from sagging.

Gosh, I can tell you a million more things but I wont be able to fit them all in one post. So to all mommies to be, and the nth time moms alike HAPPY MOM's DAY! :)

BAD NEWS

something happened to my blog..a virus of some sort that wiped out all my posts..i was able to recover the first two through google cache. but i'm much too busy to update it. maybe i'll do it tonight though.

EDIT: 05/03/2009

Oh my GOd! I just found out today how my blog posts vanished into thin air! Last night I didn't sign out from blogger and my brother thought it was "FUN" to tweak my blog and give me a surprise the next day. DUH! He ended up losing my posts and back ups! UN-believable!
there wasn't any virus like I was led to believe.

Thinking about rewriting those posts makes me just crawl under the covers and snooze my butt off.

How Did I Get Here?

So this is life, huh? There isn't really anything to it, everything's just fabulous!

Who am i? I'm a classic BRAT, was born the only daughter with two brothers. I'm loved and pampered and given the things I wanted. I took everything for granted EXCEPT my material things. I often found life boring when in grade school, I could never write anything tragic, tearful or life changing in my essays. My family is perfect, my childhood - a fairytale. I was never a snob, though. I love people and I blend in with every kind.

Please, somebody help me. I'm so confused, help me please?

I'm a very curious girl and so at an early age I discovered BOYS. And with it began my journey to the other side of the world. I was clever when it came to games and ended as the one playing them. I also got to taste love - right, wrong, young love or true, it didn't matter which it was; all I know is that it had ALL the ingredients found in FairyTales. I was treated like a princess, pined, cried and fought over, needed, wanted, and loved.
Yet all good things come to an end. That so-called prince turned into a possessive dead weight that robbed me of my youth, my potential achievements, my social growth and the life that COULD have Been. I was so naive with no wisdom to guide me and fell to his guilt traps. Should I stay or should I go?

How did I get here? My life should have been different. If only...

Five years of emotional blackmail, ridiculous little pointless sacrifices and a back-and-forth dance of indecision later I FINALLY gathered enough wits to end the nightmare and freed myself from the selfish obsessing frog who has now become the father of my child.
Yes I'm a young mom whose ambitions, passion and drive has been awakened by the cries of a little boy. Never have I ever been moved so deep in my soul that I may have the boldness to say I am a better person because of my storms.

INNOCENT OR GUILTY?

RULE 1
You can only say Guilty or Innocent.
RULE 2
You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
(So people reading this, if you want an explanation.. comment.)

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Danced on a table in a bar?
GUILTY

Ever told a lie?
GUILTY

Had feelings for someone whom you can't have back?
GUINNOCENT: I'm a bit confused with this right now.

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
GUILTY

Kissed a picture?
GUILTY

Slept in until 5 PM?
GUILTY

Fallen asleep at work/school?
SUPER GUILTY~

Held a snake?
GUILTY

Been suspended from school?
INNOCENT ^^

Worked at a fast food restaurant?
INNOCENT; Worked at a call center? GUILTY!

Stolen from a store?
GUILTY

Done something you regret?
GUILTY! GUILTY GUILTY!

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
GUILTY. LOL

Kissed in the rain?
GUILTY

Sat on a roof top?
GUILTY.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
GUILTY (clothes were wet in the first place)

Slept naked?
GUILTY

Made your boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
GUILTYYYYYYYY

Been in a band?
GUILTY: for 3 days only


Eaten cheesecake?
GUILTY. yum~

Still love someone you shouldn't?
INNOCENT


Liked someone, but will never tell who?
GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you can't walk afterwards?
GUILTY!

Joined a pageant?
GUILTY: does a school health pageant in kindergarten count??? LOL

Been told that you're handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said?
GUILTY!

Had communication w/ your ex?
INNOCENT

Dating Someone?
INNOCENT

Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow morning?
GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY.. slept through half of the exam


Get totally angry that you cried so hard?
GUILTY AS HELL.